I lost my Mom the night before Thanksgiving. Well, maybe I shouldn’t say “lost” – I know where she is–in Heaven with Jesus. But she’s no longer living here with me. I’ve lost the ability to see her with my own eyes and hug her with my own arms, to tell her I love her and hear her reply “I love you, too!” I’ve lost the gift of her physical presence.
I keep expecting that I will have a big crying session and just melt into a puddle of tears. But, so far, that hasn’t happened. I’ve teared up several times, often unexpectedly…but no big crying jag yet. I’m still working through settling Mom’s affairs, paying final bills, sorting through the rest of her things…and wow! –her clothes smell like her, her room smells like her… In some way, maybe I still feel connected to her through these tasks—I’m still “helping” her, like I did when she lived with me. Maybe once these things are done and the dust has settled, I’ll feel the loss more keenly. Grief.
Grief is evidence that we loved. “Grief is the price we pay for love…and worth it a million times over.” ~Aunt Ruth (A Boy Called Christmas, 2021)
Isaiah 53:3 describes Jesus as “a Man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief.” Years ago, when our youngest daughter walked away from the Lord and ran away from home, we were stunned and grieved. I read that verse in Isaiah, and I prayed, “Lord, I may be new to grief, but You’re not–You are well-acquainted with it!” It was a comfort to me to realize that my Savior was not scared by my grief, He was not surprised by it. He was equipped to handle it. To walk through my suffering with me.
I’m comforted to know that’s still true. Whatever the timeline is, whenever it becomes overwhelming…I know I do not walk this road alone. My Savior walks with me.